july 9 2026 bloggy

ive been watching girls for the first time and wow it's incredible. i was more of a sex and the city person for awhile, but also i'm queer so of course the L word and queer as folk were in there as well. i don't know why i never watched girls, i don't remember it ever even being in my orbit. i dont even think it was the general misogyny of the time around lena dunham, like i genuinely don't remember even knowing the show existed. but my friend noah put me onto it recently and i'm obsessed. i even watched one of lena's (look at me using her first name like i'm in some parasocial relationship already) old films that took similar emotional shape, called 'tiny furnture' i highly rec.

but in watching girls, i think i'm doing the thing that everyone does, when we watch shows like this. which is identify the "parts" or archetypes within ourselves we recognize in the deeply flawed leading characters. the characters in girls are so disgustingly human. it is quite literally painful to see the representation of the human experience reflected back to me so clearly! i haven't read up on the main critiques of the show, but it seems like the general consensus is that the protagonists are "cringy" and self absorbed and cringy in their self absorbtion. well, isn't that just the innate experience of being a person? isn't that the default state we are all grasping to seperate ourselves from with curation, personas, and performance? but when we really take a hard look in the mirror, isn't that ground zero?

each of the characters are fearful, self-centered, and acting out in their own unique textured way. i've only finished one season so cut me some slack, the characters are still developing! but i see the creative ways each character is trying to escape their own internal discomfort through seemingly bizarre patterns that both look and feel so relatable to those of us with cPTSD (and who are also in community with other folks who also are weirdos with cPTSD). Marnie with her co-dependent martydom and stuffing of feelings/ppl pleasing, yet building of resentments and judgement towards all those around her to hoist her own self concept. Jessa with her hypomanic pixie dream girl spirit (she must be a sagitarrius) constantly staying busy to avoid sitting with herself for even a moment. Shosh with her regressive, child-like outlook that protects her from the realities around her (although one could say that about all these defense mechanisms). aaand, of course, hannah whos issues w intimacy and attachment lead her to lashing out and sabotaging all potentially functional relationships, and keep her magnetized to dysfunctional relationships where she never actually has to practice healthy vulnerability. adam, who is cusping psychotic with his erratic behaviors, so his avoidance in intimacy feels almost secondary to his avoidance of general reality. charlie, with his abandonment complex, anxiousness, and codependency. ALL of these characters fear intimacy, yet fear being alone, yet fear vulerability/being seen, yet fear being left, yet fear committment, yet fear lack of committment... yeah, these are the dialectics of being alive!

i hate admitting that i'm a hypocrtic, that i am a walking contradiction. but so are all human beings. i think that's kind of a part of the whole deal. and i think that's what makes this show so psychologically painful to watch, yet also so absolutely incredible: it highlights the tension in these paradoxes that we (as viewers) often want to avoid thinking about. my whole body puckers at the screen as hannah sabotages a relationship, lashes out, or abandons herself... but what i'm feeling in my gut is how close that place feels in myself.